Interview with Priya-Alika Elias, writer and cultural critic living in India

This is the English version of the interview with Priya-Alika Elias (here's the link to the interview in Spanish).

Priya-Alika Elias (Twitter) is a writer and cultural critic who lives in India. She is interested in finding new ways to think about feminism, race, and social justice. What do we owe to each other? What is wrong with romantic relationships today? How can men be better, and how can brown women get free? These are some of the things she finds most important. A former defense lawyer, Priya is deeply concerned with the nature of inequality in the world - in all shapes and sizes.

1. I have been following you on social media for years and I've always thought that your insight on romantic relationships and men's -especially white men's- entitlement and general behaviour was a really necessary one, since naming the main issue going wrong in our love lives -which is to me patriarchal socialization- allows us to move forward and start changing what we take for granted and what we've been educated to just accept. Regarding this, what do you think women and men ought to change in order for our romantic relationships to be healthier for both of us, but especially for us women? What do you think is the main issue when it comes to men's ways of relating to the women in their lives and how they treat their romantic partners?

The main issue that men seem to have in relationships stems from the patriarchy – they don’t seem to think of women as people. They don’t support women enough, they don’t listen, they don’t accept that women are just as complex and needy as men. Instead, they treat their girlfriends and partners as free therapists/caregivers. “My girlfriend is always there for me, that’s what I love most about her” – well, your love shouldn’t be based on what she can do for you!

Men and women both have to change. Women must challenge the assumption that their purpose is to find a romantic relationship (so they can stop settling), and men have to unlearn the toxic messages they have been fed about women, (so they can treat their partners better).

2. As I already said, I think patriarchal socialization is at the core of most of the unhealthy and oppressive dynamics at play when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm especially interested in understanding the ways in which men internalize behaviour patterns and values in a patriarchal society - in what ways do you think most men grow up to become more entitled, selfish and careless than their partners?

Men (especially in the S. Asian context I come from) are coddled from birth. Even as they grow older, they are protected from the consequences of their actions (‘boys will be boys’). They are encouraged to be selfish and to prioritise their careers (when was the last time a man was asked how he balanced career and family?)

When you’re raised to be selfish, and taught that the world owes you respect, that naturally manifests in your relationships. I find that straight men are so unwilling to sacrifice for their women. They expect their partners to change to accommodate them, but are unwilling to put in any work beyond the bare minimum of domestic work & splitting the bills. And of course, they undervalue women’s work around the house/childrearing. They have not been made aware how difficult it can be to be a housewife, or to be a mother!

Life Size (2000).

3. But gender and patriarchal socialization are far from the only thing keeping people from living more fulfilling and healthier lives, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Like you said, how can brown women get free? If, in Audre Lorde's own words, "I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own", what is the key for a truly intersectional, collective fight for liberation from patriarchy and white supremacy, as in what do you think are the crucial needs for brown women's liberation nowadays and how do you think white people, both men and women, can support you?

As an Indian woman, I am very tired of white people’s faux concern about Indian women. Brown women know our own lives, our own struggles and shackles. We must be free to speak on them, without white people trying to play savior. As always, a good white ally is one who listens and who asks ‘How can I support you? Let me use my resources to amplify your voice."

How can brown women get free? We must be freed of the weight of other people’s expectations. Brown women must not endure abuse, rape, domestic violence, and harassment in silence. Brown women are not the gatekeepers of the family’s honour!

Every day, young boys and girls are taught that brown women must be XYZ. That burden is deadly, and that burden must be erased. The only way forward that I can see is to educate. Educate our girl children so they can free themselves.

4. Then, as a lesbian, it worries me to witness the way such key discussions of romantic relationships and love life in today's society are so often heteronormative at best. I too am concerned with inequality in the world in all shapes and sizes - do you think mainstream feminism today leaves out the issues marginalized women can face, such as racialized misogyny, lesbophobia or biphobia...? Why, and how can we better our own movements in order for all oppressed women to truly feel welcome in organizations and mobilizations?

Yes, this is a concern of mine as well. I’m guilty of this too, sadly. We are deeply bound by mainstream feminism, and often forget that it does not fit everybody. Straight white women wearing pink pussy hats should not and must not be the face of the movement. (It is interesting that the names associated with the #MeToo movement are women like Rose McGowan and Asia Argento, instead of the black woman who founded it, Tarana Burke.)

I’m tired of what seems to be endless discussions about “unequal division emotional labour in cishet relationships.” Those concerns are real, yes, but they are not the only – or even the most pressing- ones!

We have to make space for marginalized people within our feminism. We have to remember that lesbians are also oppressed by men. Just because they don’t date men, doesn’t mean that they are free of men’s bullshit! I think we need to talk more about non-romantic relationships, and how misogyny manifests in those. More importantly, we need to let other people speak instead of taking up too much room ourselves.

5. When it comes to the portrayal of Indian society and culture in mainstream media, the way imperialist nations often display images and news about alarming rape statistics there can feel patronizing to me - it doesn't feel like a call for action to organize as women everywhere, it doesn't feel like raising awareness on violence against women anywhere, but it does sometimes feel like carrying on racist, imperialist stereotypes of "violent brown men" in "uncivilized societies" assaulting women who "need saving". Which do you think are the key issues women and men need to work through in Indian society in order to thrive and unlearn patriarchal violences, and how do you think we can call for solidarity everywhere without slipping into colonial portrayals of such society?

India has a rape problem, but I am often hesitant to say so because – as you point out – it feels like I’m feeding into a global, racist stereotype about brown men. The truth is that everywhere has a rape problem, doesn’t it? One might say that in India, it is particularly bad because of social frameworks (not because of brown men being more disposed to rape). White people can express solidarity with us without patronizing or infantilizing us. Support Indian women without speaking over them, and don’t ask racist questions about why Indian men are so beastly. (The West has its own particular rape culture – take sexual violence at frat parties, for instance.)

In India, brown women (especially those who are less privileged) are actually shamed for having been raped. This is why so many women who have been raped hang themselves. The shame and the stigma that is routinely deployed against Indian women – why were you out late, you must have been asking for it, were you a virgin beforehand- is a powerful tool of silencing women. Indian men need to condemn victim blaming mindsets whenever they encounter it (men will listen to other men before they listen to women.)

As for Indian women, I think mothers are quite often guilty of letting their sons get away with harassment and worse. That needs to stop, immediately. Don’t raise your sons with double standards.

The best and most effective long-term solution to end patriarchal violence within Indian society would be to raise boy and girl children together. Teach men from an early age that women are just the same as them – women are not objects for you to offload your sexual desire or frustrated entitlement on to.

Wounded Deer - Frida Kahlo (1946).

6. You're both a writer and a cultural critic - I'm guessing you're familiar both with mainstream media's biased portrayals of marginalized communities and with more recent cultural displays of alternative representation for marginalized communities in media. When it comes to new shows, movies or makeup and fashion brands providing more diverse representation and sometimes even anti-racist, feminist, LGTBI-friendly messages, why do you think we're witnessing such a change in advertising and cultural politics? And what do you think we should ask for when it comes to media portrayals of marginalized communities now that it seems that it's in enough to actually listen to us?

I joke that companies have figured out that it’s cool to be woke. I do think that’s true, though. For instance, Hollywood producers will drop Scarlett Johansson from a role where she plays a POC – if enough people talk about boycotting the movie on social media.

For the first time, these powerful corporations are being exposed to the voices of the masses. Well, not for the first time, but social media has certainly caused a huge uptick in their exposure to popular opinion. They know to release more shades in their makeup range, so that more brown and black women will buy it.

But I think that’s not enough! We need to keep holding them accountable, and make sure they put their money where their mouth is. If a clothing company says they’re making plus sizes, we have to ask ‘How many?’ Because adding a measly two sizes to their existing line won’t cut it. If a movie touts its diverse cast, we need to ask ‘Well, why is it the only one?’ We can’t stop pushing for representation just yet.

Take Crazy Rich Asians – so many people have praised that movie for being the first of its kind. But how many people does it actually represent?

7. Finally - I'd love to know more about your writing journey! How did you first start writing, and why do you think you've kept doing it? Who are the people that inspire you the most when it comes to creativity and culture? And what would your advice be for younger writers out there?

I guess I’ve always been a writer! I was scribbling stories and poems in my parents’ office notebooks as soon as I learned to write. But I never thought I could actually BE a writer fulltime- writing was something I did on the side, whether it was blogging or simply writing a funny Facebook status. It’s like an itch- impossible to cure really.

I didn’t write professionally until Twitter. Through Twitter, I met editors who wanted to publish my pieces, and that’s when I realized – hey, I might actually be able to do this for a living. Living the dream!

The people who inspire me the most – gosh, there are so many. I really admire anyone who has a strong voice, a voice that comes through clearly in their art. Like Phoebe Waller-Bridge, who is so good at writing sardonic, dark women. I love creators like Michaela Coel, who is screamingly funny and so completely original on shows like Chewing Gum. Anybody who’s out there writing honest, unrepentant, complicated women is inspiring to me.

The best piece of advice I can give to young writers is to keep trying out different things. Keep pushing yourself and get the word on the page – an idea is useless until you have a draft. Every single writer that you admire has tons of awful drafts in their desk drawers! It will take you some time to get to where you want to be, so try and cultivate a thick skin and a bulldozer work ethic.

(Oh, and PS- number your drafts. Trust me on this.)